


I didn’t ask to be right or to be lonely

by orphan_account



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Hurt Deceit | Janus Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Relationship(s), Janus has PTSD, POV: Janus Sanders, Past Abuse, Sorry this is avery venty fic, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Unsympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Unsympathetic Morality | Patton Sanders, Unsympathetic Sleep | Remy Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25272472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Warnings: Unsympathetic Patton, Virgil, and Remy, Trauma, Past Abuse, implied rape and pedophilia, csa, panic attacks, flashbacks, poison. Please tell me if I missed anything.Sorry this is another short venty fic.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 3
Kudos: 89





	I didn’t ask to be right or to be lonely

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Unsympathetic Patton, Virgil, and Remy, Trauma, Past Abuse, implied rape and pedophilia, csa, panic attacks, flashbacks, poison. Please tell me if I missed anything.
> 
> Sorry this is another short venty fic.

**Sometimes it feels like there’s a hole in my heart.**

_Virgil and Janus sitting on Virgil’s bed, singing along to MCR. Virgil and Janus buying ice cream together on a hot summer day. Staying up until 2 am playing Minecraft with Virgil._

_Patton and Janus laughing together at something Patton said. The soft feel of Patton’s cat sweater when he draped it over Janus’s shoulder. The soft kisses Patton pressed to Janus’s forehead._

**And the only way to fill it is with people who hurt me.**

_Virgil laughing at Janus over his interests. Virgil digging his fingernails into Janus’s arm until Janus’s arms bled. Virgil ignoring Janus, completely shutting him out without another word._

_Patton purposefully triggering Janus. Patton ignoring Janus. Betraying him. Invading his space and his privacy._

**But that fills it with poison And that poison just makes the hole wider.**

_Janus frantically messaging Virgil only to receive silence in return. Janus trying to confront Virgil in person but Virgil just running away._

_Patton seeing something he wasn’t supposed to. Patton screaming at Janus. Patton siccing his friend on Janus to threaten and terrify him._

**And then they leave. They always leave. They take away the poison and leave behind a bigger hole.**

_Janus’s shaky hands, desperately tearing at his hair trying to distract himself from his loss of Virgil._

_Janus curled on the floor of his room, sobbing on the ground after Patton’s friend had finished messaging him._

**I’m not sure if I have any heart left anymore, or if it’s just one big hole.**

_Janus screaming and destroying everything that had connections to Virgil at two am. He was so angry at himself for driving Virgil away._

_Janus numbly carrying out his daily actions the weeks after Patton left. He didn’t have any more fight in him. He was just so tired._

**I know exactly who made the hole.**

_It was a burning hot day and a much younger Janus had been pulled aside into an alley, the cool shade and overwhelming smell of Starbucks a sharp contrast from the sun. The man flashed Janus a toothy grin over his darkened shades and there was the sound of a zipper unzipping and then…_

**I hate him I hate him I hate him.**

_… hands everywhere and hands where they should be and a grey fuzz settling over Janus’s brain…_

**He broke me. They all did...**

_Janus’s heart and mind was shattered. And now he had to pick up the shards by himself._

**However, I think I can move on.**

J _anus giggling with Logan, about something stupidly silly Logan had said. Remus and Janus screeching as they raced each other across a field. Roman and Janus watching scary movies together and clinging to each other when the jumpscares happened._

**It won’t be perfect. And it won’t be easy.**

_Janus clinging to Remus and sobbing when the flashbacks got too bad. Janus insisting he was fine, even through the ugly tears that soaked his face. Janus hiding from his friends so he wouldn't have to face them and run the risk of getting hurt._

**But I think I might get there one day.**


End file.
